Disappointment

Please don’t give me anything.

Please don’t try. I am not someone worthy enough to be given anything at all. I am not worthy to know how to type this, or to even be living under the same roof as you; I am not worthy of anything you give me.

Please go on and have another, not me. I am not worthy of your love. I am not someone who deserves to be loved, because I do not know how to love anyone. I do not know how to show appreciation about love. I do not know anything.

Please go on and just use me as you may. I am not worthy to have any living thought, to have my own will. I am not someone who deserves to have anything at all. I do not deserve anything I have.

I’ve always let you down, every single time. And I know that whatever I do, I can never make up for the lost times; I’m not someone who can make anything out of love. I don’t know anything anymore.

I do not know how to love. I do not know how to show my thanks to you.

What I only know how to do is to disappoint. I disappoint everyone around me. That’s why I crave for acceptance. That’s why I crave for more. I desire for more.

But in the end, it boils down to more disappointment, because I can never get what they want. I can never get what you want. I can never get what is wanted from me, what is needed from me.

I do not know how to return anything. I only know how to give whatever is here with me. Then again, how would I give anything if I had nothing to give anymore?

This is why I shouldn’t have anything at all. I only give away things given to me. I only pass it around to people. I never keep anything to myself. I never show appreciation of things you have given to me.

I always throw them away, or give it to someone else.

Why am I like this? Why do I feel so detached from you? Why was I here in the first place?

I shouldn’t have lived if I were to only disappoint you. I shouldn’t have gotten in to things important to you if I were not to get what you wanted from me.

I should have just stayed non-existent.

I don’t want to be a burden to you; I have always been a burden. Ever since my existence, I have always been a burden to you. I always ask for this and that, I always have to have something done by tomorrow, and you are forced to help me because of the circumstance.

I tell myself to stop doing that, but I know that if I do, I’ll continue to disappoint you. So the best course of action here is to just continue on with what I’m doing, hoping that whatever I make can be something. At least I have something to show you, instead of nothing at all.

I do not want to be a disappointment to you. Yet I fail every time I try.

I don’t want to disappoint you anymore.

Yet, even with that in mind, I still do not know what to do.