Hiding in plain sight.

Lately, I have had thoughts of wanting to disappear from the face of the earth. To be hidden. To not exist. To fade into nothingness.

It may be just “one of those days”, wherein I don’t crave any kind of social interaction; after all, there is such a thing as recharging your energies.

There are days when I am afraid that it’s more than just “another day”. Today is one of those days. (Again.)

I know myself. I love being noticed by people, especially for acts and deeds that I am proud of. Sometimes, I label myself as an attention-seeker, because that’s what I think I really am.

Some of my close friends are aware of this. Either I’ve told them about it, or they noticed from my behavior and I simply confirmed it. They’re still my friends up to now, despite my tendencies. I’m happy for that.

Recently, I find myself getting tired more. I love the social interaction, but there are days when I just want to sleep all day and hide from the world. There are moments wherein I want to be rid of all my connections and just be by myself.

At this point, I wonder, “why?” Have I changed? I didn’t notice anything drastic. As far as I know, I’ve been keeping tabs on habits I want to break and forming new (and hopefully better) ones in the process.

Is this part of the change?

I’ve noticed how I can blend in with a room’s interior, given some time. That I seem to just be another piece of furniture placed conveniently where someone could have sat. I am not anymore the point of attention of those around me. I am simply another person, another face in the crowd.

But then I start to talk. I start to make some noise; I start getting riled up over something.

I then exist again; I am back in the world that I was fading away from.

After a while, I stop talking. Faces come and go. Locations change. The same thing happens.

During those quiet moments alone, I look down to my lap and stare at my hands; I am not fading away. I am simply here. The feeling does not match what is actually happening. I know I am still here.

And upon realizing that I can still exist in this tangible world as a thing, as a person, and still have a part of myself solely mine, I guess I can say that I am simply hiding in plain sight.