What to write? and other recurring thoughts

For the past week, I have been wondering what I could talk about in this blog. It’s easy to go with the usual “this is my diary, I’ll put all my thoughts here” approach, but that gets old quickly (and frankly, I don’t want to share all of that part of my life to the Internet). I also used this blog before to compile all my poetry and random literary “works”—if I can really call them that, but they’re technically diary entries in disguise—and again, I can see how that can get old pretty quickly. Plus, as much as I like writing poetry, it’s not something I can see myself committing to. It’s just something I do on the fly. (This is very unlike me before; I used to think that I can commit to writing poetry. I guess that want has dissipated.)

The question remains, then…

What do I write?

Certain topics come to mind as soon as I ask myself this question: games, movies, tutorials/how-tos, progress reports on projects… but I feel like sticking to only one will limit me and will thus make me lose my interest in it after, probably, a week (that’s already quite a stretch; I tend to lose interest in things after 3 days, on average).

I then entertain the thought of just writing whatever. And so far, that’s the approach I’m going for. It’s working for me; I get to write posts like this, and I don’t feel restricted.

But as someone who looks for validation in their works, I find myself asking this a lot: will this attract readers to my blog? Will people actually care what I put here? Am I thinking about this too much?

I think the answer to that last question is yes, I am thinking about this too much. Putting that aside, I guess there’s this want inside me to have a reason to keep writing: because I have readers.

But… I know that that is not a good reason. That is a bad reason. That’s not the reason I should go for if I want to keep enjoying what I’m doing here. I should write because I want to, and not because I have people I need to satisfy.

I think that’s what I’ve been doing for most of my life, and I have experienced the consequences of doing that. I keep doing things for others, so much sometimes, that I forget to do things for myself. And I think I’m at that point wherein I need to do things for myself, but I still look for the validation from others.

I should have grown out of that shell now. I won’t survive the real world if I keep doing that. I should put some more trust in myself, and help myself. I keep repeating that thought in my head.

…

I think I want to end this post here. I’ve rambled enough; I feel better now. I have been feeling down for the past few days (or… week, I guess) and I didn’t know how to face this “issue” of mine. I don’t really know what to make of this post; it’s just another “diary” entry. I really didn’t want to make it like this, but I guess I still have to work on that.

On the other hand, I have some ideas on what I can talk about here. This blog might still be a “put whatever” thing for me, but I think what’s important for that is… it’s mine. I can do whatever I want with it. I have full control.

And the only one stopping myself from doing anything else is me.