My greatest enemy: my mind.

Lately I have been warding off thoughts that generally fall under the category of “self-bullying” or “self-loathing”. I’m not exactly sure why I’m getting these more often nowadays; for now I can’t pinpoint the source. Maybe that’s why it’s been bothering me longer than I had hoped it would.

This is also the case when I want to work on things. At first I start off well, but after a while, for some reason, these thoughts pop up in my mind. Thoughts about how I’m not worth the while, how I’m useless, unneeded, and so on. It just plagues me every now and then. And I think it’s starting to affect how I interact with people, too.

If I think that I might be bothering someone—which, in most cases, not really—I hesitate to talk to them and I think that I’m wasting their time. If this happens with close friends, sometimes I voice out my concern. Usually, what their response is I’m not bothering them. Which may be the usual case, and a part of me just can’t seem to get it at times.

These thoughts give me the feeling of a heavy heart, and when that feeling gets too much, that’s when I stop working. That’s when I stop talking to someone. That’s when I start spiraling in to this toxic cycle of self-hatred.

I keep asking myself: what’s wrong?

To be honest, nothing is wrong with my life right now. I’m actually in a pretty decent place, if I think about it: I have loving parents, we live in a nice house, I have a loving boyfriend, my friends are the greatest, and I just started on my new job. More opportunities are opening up to me, too.

So I do not understand, self: what is wrong?

What gets me to the point that it’s harder to breathe at times? What gets me to that point wherein I can’t think of anything else other than this, despite really trying to shrug it off or even sometimes, entertain it just so it could go away already? What brings me to this point?

I have a feeling it’s just a tendency of mine to bring myself down, because it’s something I know I’ve done to myself in a long time. I think I just have to learn how to fully trust myself again.

This is where I don’t understand it again. (I keep saying that, but that really is the case.) When you love someone, wouldn’t that mean that you trust them, too? I would agree to the statement, “I love myself.” because I can also tell myself that and believe it.

It’s just in these dark moments that I somehow lose that… that I fail to see why I am worth loving.

Maybe it’s all in my mind. It probably is.

I just have to be stronger.