I’ll be rambling on a bit about thoughts I’ve had in the past… month or so after this section. I initially thought I’d just post this on Mastodon with its content warning setup, but I wanna feel more comfy writing about my thoughts in whatever form here, not having everything be curated for a particular purpose or use.

I’ve been in a bit of a dilemma lately. I know I’ve been ignoring actual things I have to work on, like updating my portfolio (just to keep it fresh) or applying for a Visa for a trip I have in 4 months.

These are very important things that I have to do. Yet I get really anxious and spiral when I think about them.

I did set an internal deadline with myself; gave myself this whole month to just take it easy and figure it out. In the past, I’ve eventually figured how to do stuff out, regardless of what I’m feeling or going through at the time.

But now… It doesn’t feel the same. I actually feel scared that I won’t follow through or finish it like I intended.

I need to be able to do this on my own. I can’t always just rely on others to fix stuff for me. (not that that’s happened a lot in the past… In reality it’s 50-50.)

Maybe these are growing pains; realizing I really just gotta trust myself in order for things to happen.

Trust in one’s self. Something I thought I’ve done in the past, but apparently now I am having trouble with.

How does one eventually learn to do so?

I know it’s a constant thing you gotta keep up with, too. After all, every day is a new battle, a new challenge to face. Always gotta weather it through, or something along those lines.

I hope I eventually get through this rut. It’s sometimes annoying being hyperaware that the reason I can’t function as well is because of my own mental and emotional incapacities (and I mean this as-a-matter-of-fact, not really undermining myself).

Like, my logical side just goes, “come on, girl! You know you can do this, you just go through step 1, 2, etc.” yet my body and emotional self just nopes out and has no energy or capacity to deal with it.

I guess the bottom line here is that I’m impatient with myself. And also maybe too hard on myself?

Yeah, that’s a known fact for a long while. I hope I eventually just snap back to my usual self that can finish tasks and things so long as I put my mind to it. Maybe also by asking some help from others.

Maybe that’s not too bad to do.